Sonali Gupta: “I hope that the book opens conversations around loss”
On World Mental Health Day (October 10), psychotherapist Sonali Gupta, author, You Will Be Alright, talks about how to navigate grief after the loss of a loved one or the end of a relationship, and how to support those who are grieving
You Will Be Alright is a beautiful title for a book that is “a guide to navigating grief”. What feeling do you hope to evoke through it?
When we lose a loved one, our grief is a reminder of how love continues to linger and yet that person is no more. Over the last 20 years, clients have consistently asked me, “Will I be alright?” when a loss happens. The reality is that life is never the same when we lose a loved one — grief feels overwhelming and it is hard. Yet, over and over, I have seen how love and loss can coexist, and we do learn to build a life around loss.
My wish is that the book serves as an anchor to those grieving and offers hope as the reader works towards grief integration. I hope that the book opens conversation around loss and helps to break the culture of intergenerational silence that exists when it comes to grief.
Would you recommend that well-meaning friends and family use the statement “You will be alright” instead of telling people things like “Get over it” or “This too shall pass”, which come across as patronizing and insensitive rather than helpful?
I absolutely love this question! In the initial days of loss, your physical and emotional presence, listening, help with practical and logistical details and hugs is what really helps. I don’t think that saying “Get over it” and “This too shall pass” or even saying that someone lived a full life helps. Even though well-intentioned, it can be perceived as trivializing the pain and the sadness of the person who is grieving.
“You will be alright” is what people need to hear when they are ready for it. So, learning to gauge the readiness, being sensitive to each person’s reality and learning not to say it prematurely is the key. The book has a huge section dedicated to what to say and what not to say, also how to ask for help and when to reach out to a mental health professional.
What are some situations that cause humans to experience grief? In your clinical practice spanning two decades, what kind of support do people look for when they are grieving?
Our experience of grief is not just limited to the death of a loved one; it goes much beyond that. At the same time, we often don’t have the vocabulary for it. In the book, I talk about how we experience loss in different settings — the slow fading or drifting of a friendship, couples who can see their marriage or relationship falling apart, every time a fertility treatment doesn’t work out, and all those times when our favourite book or music store decided to shut down, or the loss of a dream we held close – all of it feels like grief. Other examples of grief are physical or emotional neglect, ecological grief, and infidelity experienced in a relationship.
The biggest support that people look for is – to have someone who can witness their grief, recognize their loss and not put it in hierarchies. They want to be understood, to talk about feelings that emerge from a sense of loss, and space to make sense of what is happening. Loss can feel confusing and debilitating at the same time.
When people are grieving, they often feel alone even if they have close friends or family members. What are some of the things that they can do to feel less alone?
In the book, I give an example of a client of mine in his fifties who told his family members that he was not ready to talk about his grief but, if his friends could be around, share a meal or cup of tea together and just be present, it would allow him to feel less alone. I have also written about how, while grieving the loss of my father-in-law, I told friends that I wouldn’t know when to reach out, so I needed them to check in more often or call and it helped. Learning to lean is crucial and being vulnerable allows spaces for others to reach out. The book has many examples of practical ways that friends and family members can reach out. I would love to hear your readers’ perspectives around this.
What would you say to people who judge themselves for grieving beyond a period that is seen as appropriate? Where does this idea of an expiry date for grief come from?
There is no timeline for grief. Each loss has a story that only the person who has experienced grief knows about. So, learning to hold space for one’s own self and not judging oneself is crucial. Surround yourself with those who understand and can be witness to your grief.
How people grieve and how long it takes is a function of multiple factors such as the circumstances surrounding death, the social support available, and the events that preceded and followed the loss of a loved one. The book explores this with examples that offer context, nuance and explain how pathologizing grief and putting a timeline is problematic.
Films often show that men dealing with the grief of heartbreak seek comfort in drinking. How do such depictions impact the range of options that men see as available to themselves while grieving? How does patriarchy shape the ways in which men are allowed to grieve?
I am so glad that you asked this. Gender-based differentiation in terms of grief does not work at all. It comes in the way of grieving and is counterproductive. There are differing grieving styles and there is no right or wrong style. Male clients in therapy talk about how they feel tremendous pressure to move on, and sort logistical and financial matters soon after the loss. They often end up feeling alone in the midst of family and friends. A male client who had lost his brother told me: “Therapy is the only place where I cry in front of someone else. My family believes that we need to be strong and accept the loss. I can’t be myself and it’s hard to do that.”
The reality is that women who engage in ways that come across as practical or solution-centered are also judged for not being emotional. Our media representations of grief need to get better and offer nuance, greater perspective and representation of healthy ways in which men and women cope while dealing with difficult situations.
What are some of the unspoken aspects of grief experienced by LGBTQIA+ people in India, based on your experience of working with clients who belong to this community?
This is an important subject to address, so I have spoken about the grief that is experienced by LGBTQIA+ people in India under the chapter called ‘Losses we don’t understand’. Grieving is hard for everyone, but it gets harder for LGBTQIA+ folks who are not out to their family or even in set-ups where, despite them talking about their orientation, their families do not accept them and — by extension — their significant others. What I have gathered from my practice and seen friends struggle with are the challenges that come while explaining to hospitals and banks repeatedly that they are primary caregivers and have been living together for years. Grief is hard enough, and these challenges make it much harder.
A lot of young people today — couples and singles — are choosing to be pet parents rather than having human babies. How can therapy help them navigate the anticipatory grief associated with knowing that most pets usually tend to have shorter life spans?
The book has a chapter on anticipatory grief in relation to the loss of loved ones. There is also an entire section where I have talked about how loss of an animal companion impacts us and what can help. We can never really be fully prepared for the loss of our loved one or our pets. Grief finally is about love lost. The process of therapy can help pet parents find ways to soothe themselves, find a safe space to talk about their fears, and in turn work towards building internal resources that they can dip into when dealing with loss.
You write about the need for “grief literacy” in organizations so that employees who are grieving can be supported better. Give us examples of what this might look like.
Therapy sessions are filled with client anecdotes about how, when they have returned to work after a loss, they have been met with either silence from colleagues and bosses or insensitive comments. Grief literacy allows us to respond to people who are grieving in a way that is compassionate, empathetic and helps deal with grief stigma at an organizational level. In my book on grief, I make a case for bereavement leave in organizations even those who are in partnered relationships and not married, and for making room for all kinds of loss, including the death of a pet and miscarriage.
What does vicarious grief mean? May I request you to explain with examples?
Vicarious grief is what we experience when we witness or hear of losses that others have gone through, either due to death or loss of another kind. Watching the pain and grief of others can evoke sadness and grief within us. The pandemic was a reminder of both collective and vicarious grief. Certain professionals such as doctors, mental health professionals, hospital staff and journalists are more likely to be in situations where they not just witness, but also hear of losses that continue to impact them even if they didn’t know or meet the person.
Sometimes, grief is accompanied by guilt, for instance, in the case of a person opting for an abortion or when one feels that one could not do enough to save a dying parent. How can therapy help clients work through this combination of grief and guilt?
Here is the thing about grief: it is never just one feeling – guilt, anger, rage, sadness, fear or relief. It is common for clients to talk about how they experience mixed feelings towards the person who passed away. Therapy becomes a space where clients can learn to acknowledge the duality of what they are feeling – whether it is a mix of guilt and grief, or relief and sadness, or anger and grief. Therapy allows the grieving individual to work through what they are feeling and make sense of their loss.
Indian publishers are bringing out children’s books that talk about the grief associated with parents getting divorced, the death of grandparents, and forced migration due to the climate crisis. Could you help us unpack how books can enable catharsis and meaning-making for grieving children?
I am so glad that we are talking about loss in varied ways, whether it is loss of an iconic building, ecological anxiety, or the loss of grandparents and pets. The books allow children to feel seen. They give words and images to what children may be experiencing but not able to articulate. When read together with a caregiver, friend or parent, they offer community and a unique opportunity for grief integration and a vocabulary for one’s feelings and thoughts.
While growing up, I struggled with anticipatory grief as my father had many hospitalizations. Writing a book now on the topic of loss feels like opening a conversation that parents, educators and librarians can use to support children who have seen losses, experienced traumatic grief or have parents and family members struggling with chronic, debilitating illness. Books have the potential to offer meaning-making. I was rescued by books and movies, and I hope my book and children’s books written sensitively offer a safe space to anyone who needs it.
Chintan Girish Modi is a freelance writer, journalist and book reviewer.