Spice of Life: From holding on to the art of letting go
Some of the let go moments look like this: A six-year-old picks her outfit to school. Even if it is a Barbie tutu skirt with desi jutti, no eyes are rolled in exasperation (at least not visibly so), but instead she is lifted high up in the air and planted with the biggest kiss on her plump cheeks.
Since my girls have outgrown it, I enjoy playing “jhaa-tee”, also popularly known as peekaboo, with my almost one-year old nephew over FaceTime. Peekaboo is a game in which the adult hides behind a pair of hands, and suddenly emerges, triggering the child to break into the cutest chortles. It’s a universal game, subject to improvisations depending upon culture, the child’s age, props at hand and so on.
What came to me as a recent revelation was that the innocuous peekaboo game plays a vital role from the psychological perspective. Dr Salman Akhtar, the prolific psychotherapist from the US, mentions that this game provides important messages to both the parent and the child. The child begins to form a sense of self. I will survive, even if momentarily I’m unable to see my parent. This is also the baby’s first introduction to the concept of “object permanence”. He learns that things can continue to exist even when they are not visible to the eye. The second important psychological message is for the parent. The parent is introduced briefly to the concept of letting go. My child will eventually grow apart from me and that is okay.
As millennial parents, some of us may currently be in the throes of building a life revolving around our offspring. In such times, Kahlil Gibran’s words serve a good reminder.
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”
However, after years of raising children, cuddling them, nagging them, how does one let go? Experts suggest that letting go is an art. It is the most subtle form of support that a parent offers to their child. One doesn’t arrive at this stage overnight and magically relinquish charge. But letting go looks like a series of moments when a parent consciously steps back to give the child space to grow. There are days when one is able to seize those moments, and there are days when one hopelessly fails!
Some of the let go moments look like this: A six-year-old picks her outfit to school. Even if it is a Barbie tutu skirt with desi jutti, no eyes are rolled in exasperation (at least not visibly so), but instead she is lifted high up in the air and planted with the biggest kiss on her plump cheeks. Or when an older child weaves futuristic stories about growing up and living in a far-off city, all on her own, in a high-rise apartment, she is not instantly shut down. Heads are nodded, smiles are exchanged and silent prayers are whispered for her to be able to build and live her most authentic life.
Learning to love without wanting to possess, there is a lot of freedom in a love like that. It’s an art, and like all forms of art, it requires constant practice. Parenting is just a more complex, messier version of the peekaboo game. As long as it’s done right, the chortles of laughter will continue to ring true.
The writer is a freelance contributor. She can be contacted at seeratsandhu25@yahoo.com