Tenderness is a strength; here’s how to build it
Often, we forget to acknowledge how this tenderness brings a sense of vitality and joy for us. How its absence can evoke sadness and a feeling of emptiness
Strap: Often, we forget to acknowledge how this tenderness brings a sense of vitality and joy for us. How its absence can evoke sadness and a feeling of emptiness
As a psychotherapist one of my key areas of interest has always been trying to understand what makes human beings thrive. Therapy sessions are filled with narratives of client struggles and hardships, existential dilemmas and at the same time they moments and emotions that enable them to flourish and trust life and all that it has to offer. One of these emotions which is not discussed enough in psychological literature and has limited research is tenderness.
Tenderness finds a mention in poetry, art and even music. Poets such as Rumi, Khalil Gibran have spoken about it while Elvis Presley has serenaded us with ‘Love me tender, love me do…’ Literature and movies are filled with descriptions and scenes that are designed to evoke tenderness in us and help us access this emotion that falls under the family of joy, kindness and love. When we experience tenderness, there is a sense of warmth and a desire to care for the other person. In meditation practices, there is also a mention of extending tender and gentle care not just to others, but also to our own self.
Often, however, we forget to acknowledge how this tenderness brings a sense of vitality and joy for us. How its absence can evoke sadness and a feeling of emptiness.
Tenderness involves a quality of gentleness combined with kindness which is complemented with affection for the other person or being and can feel like an act of compassion. It’s delicate, soft and capable of deeply impacting the and worldview of those touched by tenderness. These personal moments where we experience tenderness can feel like healing.
Think about a moment in your friendship with someone, your child or a partner where you experienced tenderness and how it made you feel. This is what explains the huge popularity of reels and tik tok videos of babies and animals---these non- verbal acts of kindness or cuteness evokes tenderness in us.
Maybe it is these subjective experiences which make it so hard for us to understand and study tenderness. Although what I can say with certainty is that our life as a child and an adult feels richer, meaningful when we experience tenderness. It serves as a glue that allows us to experience connection and togetherness with another person. That’s why when tenderness goes missing from our lives, we begin to experience loneliness, a feeling of being made almost invisible which, in turn, leads to a lack of psychological safety. My experience in therapy is that often when clients show up in therapy, they may not be even aware of their need for tenderness and how its loss has impacted their wellbeing and relational self-esteem. That’s why learning to describe and understand the emotion is key.
We need to be mindful about how we show up for ourselves and if we choose to be gentle and tender with ourselves in the language we use to describe our own behaviour, and the lens we use for our own actions. When we are interacting with others, we need to ask ourselves how can we shift the lens on others and approach them with tenderness, whether it’s through attentive presence, a compliment that shows affection for them, asking a thoughtful question and at other times by being considerate to them. We all can get better at being tender with ourselves and all with others who we are care for and value.
If you find yourself struggling or wondering what’s the point in working towards tenderness, then remember these beautiful words attributed to Rumi, ‘Our greatest strength lies in the gentleness and tenderness of our heart’