'Suicide has been my mindset': Century against Australia on debut, 224 in last home Test, now no money to buy tie, shoes

Lou Vincent, a former New Zealand cricketer, faced suicidal thoughts and mental health struggles following his involvement in match-fixing.

Who would have imagined a sprawling 27-year-old three-format international cricketer would have daily suicidal thoughts? A century at the WACA on debut against an all-star Australian side led by Steve Waugh in 2001, a breathtaking 224 on his last home Test - all appearing like fiction from another world. Sport doesn't guarantee a strong finish to a bright start. If anything, it becomes tougher and tougher as the career progresses. Despite taking this into consideration, Lou Vincent's quick rise and epic fall appear unbelievable. An all-format regular in New Zealand's XI since making his debut in 2001, the right-handed opening batter saw himself driven out of the game due to multiple anti-corruption breaches.

Former New Zealand cricketer Lou Vincent(Getty Images)

Vincent played his last international match in 2007. He then moved to England to play County cricket and played in T20 leagues across the globe, but his involvement in match-fixing brought an untimely end to his career. In 2014, Vincent pleaded guilty to 18 breaches of the anti-corruption regulations, four of which related to a Twenty20 match between Lancashire and Durham in June 2008.

The remaining 14 charges related to two fixtures played at Hove in August 2011, a Sussex v Lancashire Twenty20 match and a Sussex v Kent CB40 match.

He was given a life ban from all forms of cricket in 2014, becoming the first New Zealand sportsperson to be banned for life for his involvement in unlawful activities. The ban was lifted last year. But in between, the opener, who also has a Test century against India in Mohali, went through hell and came back.

Vincent now lives in a remote part of New Zealand’s north island near Ninety Mile Beach, where he makes a living “doing up old s---ty houses”. He was spotted giving a speech at a cafe a stone's throw away from Basin Reserve, where he scored 224 against New Zealand in his last Test match at home. Wearing shirts, ties, and shoes does not come naturally to him now. He, in fact, doesn't own a formal shoe and tie now. “Most of my clothes are from the op shop [charity shop] because I will only get paint on them. It is why I wear converse shoes to a formal event. I don’t have anything else. Sandals, converse or bare feet," he told The Telegraph.

After losing his central contract with NZC, Vincent had joined the now-defunct Indian Cricket League in 2008, where he was introduced to match-fixing by former New Zealand all-rounder Chris Cairns. Since then, it all went downhill for the right-hander. Vincent confessed to fixing across in the Indian Cricket League, the 2012 T20 Champions League that was played in South Africa, and was banned for three years by the Bangladesh Cricket Board for not reporting an approach while playing for the Dhaka Gladiators in that country's T20 franchise competition.

Tough times for Lou Vincent

“Some members of my family have been turned against me, which I have had to live with, but I have faith that time heals a lot of wounds,” he explained. “I have to think that. "Being alienated from my two daughters will always be the most devastating thing. And I’m hoping, over time with little bits I do in public, my girls will see that Dad made mistakes, and they’ll hopefully see me as a good guy and reconnect with me.

“The other thing is just losing the guys who I played cricket with. I want to eventually go back to England to possibly give back to the game whatever way I can to rekindle some of the friendships I’ve crushed because of my involvement in fixing.

“Losing respect in the cricketing world is something that has been hard, but again, self-inflicted. I’ll never make an excuse or blame anyone else apart from myself. So we’ll see where it takes me. Today could be a start," Vincent who played 23 Tests, 102 ODIs and 7 T20Is for New Zealand, said.

The constant courtroom visits, the gruelling trial and regular abuse on the streets took a toll on Vincent's mental health.

“Suicide has been my mindset, even as early as when I was 27. And it was always in the back of my mind. I totally understand why people do it. Because you just want a release. You want to be away from the pain. If you don’t do that, you either drink and take drugs to sort of mask it, but the powerful thing is, you just need to embrace the feeling of that depression and that anger and that hate and go through the stages of rehabilitation to a certain point of finding love for yourself, because that’s the only way you can really properly heal. It’s taken many years to love myself.”

Cut to 2024, Vincent now is a changed man. He has made peace with his life. He knows he lost the life of a cricketer but he is also aware that it was no one else's fault. At 46, he now doesn't expect forgiveness but just wants to be accepted.