Spark notes: Simran Mangharam, on what keeps a marriage going
The answers aren’t as ephemeral and uncertain as most people think. Between two people in love, simple steps can help. Here are my Top 3.
“What can I do to make sure my marriage lasts?” a client, let’s call her Sheena, recently asked me.
She is a 32-year-old lawyer from Delhi, about to marry a man she truly loves. But she has truly loved before, and those relationships eventually ended.
She and I have been discussing, over multiple sessions, why they may have frayed. We have been trying to answer the question of what could have been done differently.
One thing I must mention at this point is that it makes me immeasurably glad to hear a young person express such concerns. It indicates they are willing to be honest and vulnerable, and fight for their relationship, and that is a great starting point.
Around the world, talking about concerns or problems in an intimate relationship is still often considered taboo. As a result, people who might be happier with a little help, instead suffer in enforced silence.
Falling mutually in love can have the wonderful effect of somewhat levelling this playing field. Both partners can now shape how they wish to be viewed and treated, as they tend to their relationship together. This is helpful because, in my opinion, the primary reason many relationships sour is because one individual is not treated or understood as they wish to be by their partner.
Sheena has been on both sides of this divide. There was a partner in her past who treated her dismissively, in a scattered but sustained way, for so long that it ate away at their otherwise-loving bond. She has been guilty of doing the same, with someone she truly loved, she says.
When the relationships ended, both times, it broke her heart. But she knew, in both cases, that they had become unsustainable.
There are three relatively simple steps to keeping such heartbreak at bay. Often, it is negligence that does the damage, after all, rather than deliberate cruelty. So here goes.
* Treat your partner as your top priority: Let me explain with an example from the early years of my marriage. I remember seeing my husband’s “Favourites” list in his phone and feeling a sense of comfort and elation when it turned out I was the person that came first. It was a confirmation of something I already felt in our marriage (and feel to this day): We are each the person the other turns to, before all others, in life.
A phone list may seem like an almost-silly parameter, and yet a recent study showed that an overwhelming number of men worldwide have their mother on top of that list, while an overwhelming number of women have their husband atop it.
I do not wish to engage with the absurd saas-bahu tussles that seem to torture many families. It just seems to me that that kind of imbalance could reflect a deeper one… and balance is everything in something as turbulence-prone as matrimony.
* Find the time to be attentive: Only when one is paying attention does one sense the unsaid. Paying attention helps course-correct in a relationship. It allows one to perform the little acts of kindness that make both partners happy: Genuine compliments, appreciation of the little things, little acts of affection or care. This quite literally keeps the love alive.
* Make room for each other: We are, all of us, changing. Perhaps a partner is now more anxious, or less successful, than they were when you met. This isn’t easy for them either. Try to react, in situations, discussions and compromises, with kindness rather than impatience at this new reality. This is what it means for someone to be understood.
And if you think you aren’t perfectly happy with things as they stand, do know that every adult on the planet feels the same way. There will always be a gap between what one expects — of one’s partner, one’s house, one’s job, one’s life — and what one encounters. Monitoring this gap, and ensuring it doesn’t become a hazardous chasm, is what it’s all about.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)
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