Outdated etiquette? Just don’t give a fork
Good behaviour shows refinement. But some rules are sexist, ageist and classist. Here are the manners you don’t need to mind
It’s getting harder to ignore. On Instagram, Reels starring blonde, chignoned, well-dressed ladies have been demonstrating the finer points of table manners. Handbag: Out of sight, never on the table. Napkin: Half-folded in the lap, never in sight of diners. Menu: Resting on the table’s edge when reading, never lifted fully off. Soup spoon: Placed in the bowl or underplate between sips, never with the bread. Discards: On the upper-left part of the plate, never along the rim.
It seems we’ve been eating food wrong all this time. But are these the manners we even need to mind? Etiquette consultants like to say that good social behaviour puts everyone at ease. That’s only half true – no soirée has yet been ruined by a menu rising off the table, in full view of a napkin and handbag.
Instead, etiquette, by its very nature, been a subtle way to separate those in the know from the rest. The term comes from the French, specifically the 1600s Versailles court of King Louis XIV, a fussy man with a fussy lawn. To deter visitors trampling over his greens, he set up no-trespassing signs. Those signs eventually became visitors’ tickets, listing the rules of proper court behaviour. Right from the start, they showed you your place.
Obsession with etiquette tends to rise when any society experiences a new influx of wealth. They subtly distinguish old money from new. But if codes of conduct are designed to reflect good upbringing, why hold on to the ones that are ageist, classist and sexist? Here are the manners you don’t need to mind.
Making introductions: It used to be that older folks were introduced first and wives were announced after husbands. But now, when age is irrelevant, when same-sex couples are taking their rightful place in public life, and when women are just as accomplished as their spouses, why compare status? Introduce yourself if you must, and make your preferred pronouns understood.
At dinner: Do RSVP if an invitation requests it, make your allergies and food preferences clear, and show up on time with a gift for the host. At the table, no one will care where your handbag is stowed. But they will notice if you only speak to the people you already know. And it’s rude to disappear into your phone at any public gathering. So put the screens away and converse with everyone. Just don’t comment on anyone’s weight, even if they’re thin.
The food: When in doubt, work your way through the forks and spoons from the outside in. But no one really cares about that. In 2023, it’s not how you eat but what you eat. Respect food preferences – vegans shouldn’t have to defend their choices to carnivores and vice versa. Don’t push a drink, a dish, dessert or second helpings on diners who’ve already refused them.
The workplace: Across the corporate world, it is no longer acceptable ask a colleague about their caste, antecedents or family history. It is also no longer good form to have work conversations in a language not understood by everyone involved. Neither is texting lyk dis.
Status symbols: Good grammar and precise pronunciation was the hallmark of upper-class upbringing. It no longer is. Publicly correcting someone’s usage is now viewed as a petty put-down. In most social situations, the optics give away the ethics; meaning, how people view you is directly connected to how you view people, all people. The casual slur, the disrespect for service staff, the loud disagreement, the off-colour personal comment, the name-dropping, the one-upmanship – they’ll land you in more soup than the wrong spoon ever will.
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From HT Brunch, February 18, 2023
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