Decoding trauma bond relationships: Signs and cyclical patterns

Trauma bonding is when a person who is being abused develops a sympathetic bond with their abuser and fails to recognise the negative impacts of the relationship as your partner occasionally treats you well. Experts decode trauma bond relationships, its signs and cyclical patterns

Trauma bonding is a phenomenon that can occur in any type of relationship but is most commonly seen in romantic relationships and it occurs when a person who is being abused develops a sympathetic bond with their abuser and fails to recognise the negative impacts of the relationship. In other words, a trauma bond usually involves a victim and a perpetrator in a uni-directional relationship wherein the victim forms an emotional bond with the perpetrator where it is generally easier to leave a situation that is entirely bad, one where the abusive person never offers any kindness or concern but in abusive relationships, your partner occasionally does treat you well - they might bring you gifts, call you their soul mate or take you out.

Decoding trauma bond relationships: Signs and cyclical patterns (Photo by MART PRODUCTION on Pexels)

In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Dr Vanishree BN, Consultant - Psychiatry at Manipal Hospital in Bangalore's Sarjapur, shared, “The abuser may use verbal, physical or sexual abuse and the victim may become accustomed to it, waiting for a moment of love and care from the abuser. The relationship may become intense and the victim may fear expressing their true feelings to avoid conflicts. They may feel that living in fear of the abuser is better than leaving the relationship.”

Highlighting that the cyclical pattern of abuse, followed by love and care, forgiveness and then abuse again, can be difficult to break, Dr Vanishree BN revealed, “This leads to a pattern of trauma bonding where the victim waits for little bits of love and care from the abuser, which continues the cycle. It is important to recognise that trauma bonding can occur in any type of relationship and it can be difficult for the person experiencing it to recognise the negative impacts of the relationship. Trauma bonding can lead to post-traumatic stress and other negative effects as well. Therefore, getting out of a trauma bond relationship can be a difficult and complex process but it is essential for your mental and emotional well-being.”

Drisha Dey, Consultant Psychologist in Kolkata, explained, “There are two primary factors involved in the establishment of a trauma bond: a power imbalance and rewarding good behaviour while punishing bad behaviour. Usually, victims in trauma bonds do not have agency and autonomy, nor any individual sense of self either. Their self-image is derived from and is an internalization of the abuser's conceptualization of them.”

Talking about the signs of a trauma bond, she pointed out that the signs that one is in a trauma bond can be determined by understanding the following stages that this kind of a bond goes through:

1. Love Bombing - This is the honeymoon phase where they shower you with love, attention, and affection and it feels too good to be true.

2. Trust and Dependency - The relationship progresses quite fast and the abuser would go to any extent to gain your trust, and make you dependent on them for love and validation.

3. Criticism - Soon enough, the criticism starts. Initially, it is subtle and indirectly blaming you, but it soon grows into full-fledged attacks about how no matter what you do, you do something wrong. This is mostly carried out under the facade of them protecting you. It might be about how you are dressing or who you are hanging out with. Eventually, you start to think there is something wrong with you as a person.

4. Gaslighting - Gaslighting occurs when they try to make you doubt your own experiences. For example, you might catch them in a lie based on something they had said previously, but when confronted, they will tell you that they had never said that. You start to doubt whether they actually had. You know there is something wrong, but you also feel bad for doubting them. They make you doubt your own perception and manipulate you into believing their narrative.

5. Resigning Control - You no longer know what to believe because you doubt your own thoughts, so you give in and let them take control of the relationship and of your life.

6. Loss of Self - You no longer recognize yourself and you do whatever is needed to keep the peace and constantly apologize for being an inconvenience. You cannot seem to understand how it got to this point.

7. Addiction - You feel trapped in this relationship because your nervous system is constantly experiencing stress and thus craving dopamine which it gets from the intermittent highs when your partner deigns to show you some resembling kindness and love, and you pay the price for it by enduring the volatile lows.

Binging her expertise to the same, Shinjini Deb, Clinical Psychologist in Kolkata, said, "One may often find this kind of relationship overwhelming. Even then, taking an actionable step to change becomes the biggest dilemma. Seeing parental relationships or familiar individuals keeping up with this toxic behaviour confirms their idea that this is how it is supposed to be. Lack of confidence and vague ideas about individuality are the major contributors to it too. "If I lose my current partner I won't get another one" is a common thought. Astonishing fact is that mostly these individuals consider themselves alone and are unable to perceive the healthy support from their loved ones."

According to the expert, many a times the concept of love is misunderstood - the thin boundary between being loved and being dominated often fades away, the kind of partner one picks when being questioned is not something one likes. Hence, the following signs appear:

1. Covering up the red flags

2. Justifying their partners unacceptable actions

3. Too comfortable with the familiarity of the relationship to even consider leaving

4. Blaming themselves to be the reason why they are being treated the way they are

5. Falling prey to the false promises of their partners

6. Choosing to isolate from friends based on partners advice

7. Constantly giving in to unhelpful ways of expressing or communicating in the relationship

As per Ishita Goyal, Associate Consultant - Psychologist (Mental Health and Behavioural Sciences) - MIND at Max Super Speciality Hospital in Dehradun, “If you are in a trauma bond, you might have seen the absolute best and worst of your partner. You have seen them pour their attention on you, care for you in ways you want to be cared for and you might feel you have met your soulmate. You might feel nobody can love and understand you the way your partner can. But when the questionable behavior trickles in you don’t know how to react and understand it. They still might show their love, care and understanding, so you are reminded how amazing they can be, and hold on to the relationship. If you continuously feel you love the same person who is deeply hurting you, you might be in a trauma bond.”

She listed some other signs in a trauma bond relationship as:

1. Believing fake promises – You will find that the moment you want to leave the relationship, your partner will make promises to changer him/her for the better. But the changes never happen in a substantial manner and you tend to stay longer in hope.

2. Repetition compulsion – You find yourself having the same fight over and over with no resolutions, as your partner has no intention to changing. This is indicative of the lack of empathy and growth from your partner. You are caught in a cycle of hope, addressing same issues.

3. Fear of leaving – After years of giving justifications for your partner’s behavior, when you come close to recognizing it is not a relationship you want to be in, a fear overcomes you. You are in self-doubt and feel fearful of leaving and the eventual unknown.

4. Hiding feelings – You do not feel that you can share your true feelings with your partner without engaging into a fight. You feel that your partner will only accept you if your feelings are according to his. You deny or minimise your partner’s wrong doings.