How to emotionally be there for your partner? Relationship experts answer - Hindustan Times
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How to emotionally be there for your partner? Relationship experts answer

ByZarafshan Shiraz
May 08, 2022 04:34 PM IST

Sometimes, relationships fail because of unrealistic expectations, misunderstandings, when circumstances become difficult or life becomes stressful. So, how can we make a relationship which stands the test of time? How can we be there for our partner?

When in a relationship, we have our highs and our lows and it is easy to be there when the times are great but how we are as a partner for our loved one is measured by our emotional support during the low moments. We must understand that while it is important to physically be there for our partner, it is even more important to emotionally be there for our partner and there are many ways to hold space and be there for them. 

How to emotionally be there for your partner? Relationship experts answer (Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash )
How to emotionally be there for your partner? Relationship experts answer (Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash )

In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Dr Zeba Shadman, Marriage Relationship Coach, shared, “An emotional bank account works the same as a financial bank account (except you can’t see it and it can be harder to track). When you build up enough positive interactions with your partner, your emotional bank account is flourishing. You feel relaxed and safe in the relationship. If you have to withdraw (i.e. you have a fight or a bid fails), it doesn’t feel too bad. One positive interaction in the relationship does not allow for one negative to stay balanced, as it does monetarily. ”

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She pointed out how Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that couples need five positive interactions for every negative interaction just to break even and that you need 20 positive interactions to outweigh one negative (it’s called the Magic Ratio). Therefore, to keep your emotional bank account flourishing, you need to make many more deposits than you do withdrawals.

“If you feel disconnected try to access all your five senses at this moment like focusing on what you see, smell touch, taste, and hear in your environment, this will orient you back into the situation, you can feel less detached & less overwhelmed with this exercise in the situation. Finding ways to fill your partner’s emotional bank account each day can help ensure that the negatives in the relationship don’t cause your relationship to dip into the red,” she said.

Dr Zeba Shadman listed some ways to begin making deposits in the Emotional Bank Account:

1) Emotional validation - Emotional validation is when you can empathise with your partner's feelings and let them know that their feelings make sense to you. You only need to recognise how your partner is feeling in this situation and let them know that you understand that feeling. You should not be stuck in arguing details.

2) Authenticity - Being authentic means communicating your true feelings, thoughts, ideas, your opinions, what you like or dislike, your awareness and unawareness of your deeds, your strengths, your weakness, your beliefs, the influencing situations for you and the way you view yourself, your goals, your aspiration from the partner, which type of people you like most, etc..

3) Emotional attunement - Emotional attunement is the combination of empathy and supportive behaviours. It's the ability to feel some of what they are feeling and reflectance their experience to them with same intensity.

4) Catch your partner doing something good - Notice what your partner does that you appreciate (even if it is something, they do every day) and say thank you. Give your partner a compliment.

5) Respond positively to your partner’s bids - Looking for and responding positively requires that you are present in the relationship. Make sure you find time on a daily basis to set aside distractions (e.g., phone, computer, TV, etc.) and be available to your partner.

6) Do something nice for them - For example, make them coffee in the morning, empty the dishwasher even though it isn’t your turn (or usual responsibility), or offer to cook dinner when you know they’ve had a hard day. The options are endless.

7) Show genuine interest in your partner and their world - Maintain curiosity about your partner and how their world may have changed recently. Then find some time to engage them and ask them questions. This can be as simple as, “How was your day today, honey?”

8) Show your partner physical affection - This could include a six-second kiss before you walk out the door, a hug after returning home, holding their hand while watching TV, or snuggling up next to them in bed. Spend quality time with them.

9) Give them a gift - This can be large or small; it doesn’t matter the cost. It’s just one way to let your partner know you care about them.

10) Emotional presence - As the other person sharing something you need to think of yourself in the same situation and then how you feel about that and check whether you are connected or disconnected from this situation

Suggesting 4 ways which we can put into practice and make our partners feel loved and supported when they are feeling blue, Karina Calver, relationship expert and founder of Hukam Healing, advised:

1) Compassionate listening - Very often when our partners share their struggles or feel off and turn to us, how we show up for them is paramount. The question to ask ourselves is, are we listening to them to give unsolicited advice or are we listening to make them feel heard and cared for? Women more than men, want their partners to simply listen. They want to go through the details and vent it out without judgment. At the moment of sharing, they are not in the mental space of wanting to fix the problem. That comes later. Initially, it is all about needing to talk it out and to feel that your partner has your back. Showing empathy goes a long way when listening to their pain.

2) Ask them - This may sound crazy but at times we truly don’t know what our partners need. So instead of guessing, it would help them and yourself by simply asking them. I know that this sounds extremely unorthodox because many people think that if you’re with someone you ought to know how to cheer them up or be there for them. The reality is our partners may know us really well but how we are feeling and what we need for a specific situation can be a blur to them. By you spelling it out and telling them what you need, it would give you what you want. This avoids them having to wreck their brains trying to either figure out what they can do to be there for you or if they should leave you alone and give you your space. If you want your partner to emotionally be there for you, it also helps to let them in and tell them what you need. So they too can feel like they are able to be useful (vs. feeling hopeless) when you’re struggling.

3) Say something kind and reassuring - Remind your partner that you love them and that whatever they are going through, you are by their side. A reassuring gesture speaks volumes. It reminds them that while they are feeling overwhelmed or stuck, your sweet and loving gesture will make them feel supported.

4) Hugs - Being wrapped up in a long embrace can lower one’s stress levels. Pull your partner close to you and just hold them. Whisper in their ears, telling them how much they mean to you. Or simply just hold them and let your heart say it all. This will ease their pain and when they are calmer they will feel more ready to talk or share about it (if they weren’t previously) with a lower emotional reaction.

 

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