Indian couples discuss why they chose to have just one child
Giving their little one the best life they can, without having to split resources, time or attention, emerges as a prime reason.
Pallavi, a communications professional and Rajeev, a VP and marketing head of a banking firm, are parents to nine-year-old Vidita. “On both sides of the family, people want to know when we’re having another, and how we need a son to take care of us when we’re old. They’ll always ask the wife, never the husband. We’ve learned to just respond with ‘We’ve made up our minds. One is enough’,” says Pallavi.
That’s all the conflict there is. Because between them, they’ve been clear they wanted one child, five years into the marriage. “Neither of us has ancestral property or family wealth. We’re living on our earnings, our terms. And we want to give Vidhi the best, not compromise,” Pallavi says.
Pallavi has five sisters and while they’re well-educated and in good jobs, so many siblings meant fewer luxuries. Vidhi takes dance, yoga, and music lessons. But she has to earn her privileges by doing well at school. Everything is not a gift just because she’s the only child.
“Ten years ago we’d probably have worried that she would be lonely. But only-children are so common now so we no longer worry. We’re just happy that she’s confident,” says Rajeev.
A MUTUAL DECISION
Kunal works in IT, Dharini runs a salon. They’re parents to Dev, 11. “Let’s say the decision was mutual but one was nudged a little more towards having just one child, be it a boy or girl. People say siblings teach you how to share, but we’ve seen brothers and sisters fighting over family property. It made us decide to put all our love into one child,” says Kunal. “We knew we’d be able to do better for one than two.”
Still, you can’t escape some comments — that you should have a second one because “your first will be lonely!” “Dev isn’t lonely,” says Dharini. “We asked him at ages five, eight and ten if he’d like a sibling. He’s said no. He’s close to his cousins, has tons of friends.”
By limiting the number of children, both parents could keep their careers steady, and that’s been the kind of example they wanted to set too. “Dev already has ambition. We can see his hunger to succeed. He plays tennis at the national level and we’ve been able to travel to tournaments without the guilt of ignoring a second child,” says Dharini.
“ONLY KIDS ARE NO BETTER OR WORSE THAN ANYONE ELSE”
Pusha (last name withheld), 40, works with an international tourism board and is an only child. “Once people know that, it becomes their excuse for anything they dislike about you. And there’s always curiosity. But we’re no better or worse than everyone else,” she says.
Pusha lived in a joint family until she was seven. “I couldn’t be lonely. But at school, having no sibling set me apart — no older sister looking out for me, no younger one avoiding me,” she says.
She did yearn for company as a kid, but says an advantage was she had unlimited access to her parents, no trouble making friends, and learned to make decisions independently. “There are no regrets,” she says.
“I USED TO CRY AS A KID, BUT I MAKE SURE MY DAUGHTER IS NEVER LONELY”
Vikul Chander, 35,
Chander runs a company that offers consumer reward programmes on various platforms. He says he did have a lonely childhood. “Both my parents worked. I would cry to be sent to boarding school. But by 12, I’d made friends and that changed.”
At 35, he still fields comments about it every three months. “People say ‘How sad’. But I tell them that having a sibling just to offer company for one child is unbelievably selfish. The stereotypes don’t matter – I learned to share with my cousins and because I craved company, I learned not to take it for granted.”
He says he’s grown up perfectly normal, but it’s hardly a compulsion. “If you want to have five children, you should. But I’ve seen siblings worrying over their share of the family wealth when they’re as young as 25. I would never have a child for the sake of another, or for my own security as I grow old.”
He has a four-year-old daughter. “We give all our time to her, as do her grandparents, and make sure she’s not alone even for a minute. She’s not lacking in company or attention. My mother used to work for Air India, and I remember crying when he’d leave for flights. I’m lucky if my child even registers that I’ve left for a work trip. I take that as a good sign.”